These Dirty Hands

Sin has a way of destroying us from the outside in. It starts with a simple curiosity to please our flesh, our ‘natural’ instincts and behavior. From that point on, without the help of Christ our Savior, we become a hopeless and defeated wreck. We begin notice the failures because of sin, it makes us perceive our selves worth of no value. Everyone deals with it but everyone may suffer from different sins. I have seen people who have battled the sin of pride; fighting to make sure they are number one and are of everyone’s recognition. I have seen people suffer of sloth, selling meth in order to make money. I have seen a man nearly lose his family over his sexual self-gratification.

Wait a second that was me.

I nearly lost my bride-to-be because of my obsession of pornography.  Looking back, she should have left me. There ever a number of times where I promised to stop pursuing it, but didn’t. It wasn’t that I enjoyed watching it, in all honestly I was horrified that I continued seeking it after speaking with my bride to be concerning it. I dreaded having to tell her my struggle, I enjoyed, watched people have sex. I remember her tone, her inflections and the look of pure shock in her face. This young man she was in love with, this man who was studying in seminary, this man who currently was a youth pastor was committing adultery. Perhaps I should rephrase that. There was no young man there, just a boy. A boy who knew exactly what to do and where to go for help.  Hypocrite.

Many consider the answer to be fairly simple, don’t look at porn. Oh, how I wished it had been so easy. Studies have shown “many of the same neurotransmitter chemicals and hormones that are released when using drugs are also released when viewing porn.” The same way a crack head needs crack a porn addict needs porn, and porn is a much more dangerous addiction. With porn there is no big risk as with street drug, such has issues with the dealer. The dealer sits in our family room, bed room, offices, and our children’s room and at times, in our lap.

I first viewed porn before the age of 7. That’s right 7. I had a older brother who would show me playboy magazines. At the time I had no idea why it excited me so much or why my birth mother was so upset at my brother for it. I often looked around for those magazines, the search began.

Not long after my mother died I moved in with my father, whom of which wasn’t the grandest of role models. One night he and my younger brother went camping while I stayed home with my older brother. My dad granted me permission to watch “titty movies” that night.

I stayed up all night.

As I grew up I began to learn how much porn was around. Visited my friends, watched porn. Stayed home from school, looked for Playboy magazines. Late nights on weekends, watched porn. It became intoxicating, the worst part of all this was I actually had a Christ filled atmosphere around me. I often visited my grandmother who I described as the most Jesus loving woman in the world. The house was filled with bibles, religious art, and her voice which spoke of Jesus 24/7. I even had conversations with her about how great Jesus is. Hypocrite.

This went on for years, until one dreadful day. I went visit my bride-to-be and confessed that I had lied to her again and viewed porn. She left her house with me sitting there. I don’t remember what she said, but I knew that was the last straw. She had given up with me, the man she supposedly loved, the man who had deceived her. As she drove off I screamed out in rage, cursed myself and cried out to forgiveness. In my anger and bitterness I took a knife and pressed it against my hand while I bit down hard on a wooden spoon. My cheeks felt the tears as my hand forced the blade through my hand. When the blood flowed out I realized what I had down, I cried even more. You lost her.

Luckily, my bride-to-be was compassionate and graceful. After explaining what I had done, she took care of me. I didn’t deserve her help or even her beautiful presence. That was it. It had to stop. I wasn’t just hurting her but myself, it had become more clear than ever. A new revelation came to me, my sin cause me to pierce my hand. My sin lead me to harm my physical body. I remember just thinking, I am done. Hypocrite. 

The name hypocrite followed me. But here is the thing, hypocrite follows action not temptations. I can’t be a hypocrite for thinking someone and being tempted. Am I a hypocrite,  no. Do I still deal with temptations, yes. But do not label me a hypocrite for what I have done, but as redeemed for what Jesus has done for me.

The dangers of porn are real and evident. Are you ready for some scary statistics? No, seriously are you ready?

  • The porn industry generates$13 billion each year in the US.
  • Internet porn alone is a $3 Billion per year business.
  • 66% of porn performers have Herpes, 12-28% have sexually transmitted diseases, and 7% have HIV.”
  • 88% of scenes in porn films contain acts of physical aggression, and 49% of scenes contain verbal aggression.

That’s just about the industry. What about children and teens?

  • 9 out of 10 boys were exposed to pornography before the age of 18.
  • 6 out of 10 girls were exposed to pornography before the age of 18.
  • 20% of 16-year-olds have received a sext and 30% of 17-year-olds have received a sext.
  • 15% of boys and 9% of girls have seen child pornography.

Oh, that’s not it. There’s more. Want to hear about our churches and its members.

  • 75% of pastors do not make themselves accountable to anyone for their Internet use.
  • Regular church attendees are 26% less likely to look at porn, however, self-identified “fundamentalists” are 91%more likely to look at porn.
  • 50% of all Christian men and 20% of all christian women say they are addicted to pornography

And the final round of statistics goes to adults specifically.

  • 64% of college men and 18% of college women spend time online for Internet sex every week.
  • 67% of young men and 49% of young women say viewing porn is an acceptable way to express one’s sexuality.
  • 56% of divorce cases involved one party having an obsessive interest in pornographic websites
  • 70% of wives of sex addicts could be diagnosed with PTSD.
  • Men are more than 543% more likely to look at porn than women.

We are called to be more than this. We are called be holy and blameless (Ephesians 1:4). This not how we should conduct ourselves, we get one chance at this world and it shouldn’t be spent on getting wrapped up in sin. Take it from this guy, it just isn’t worth it. There is victory. Stay blessed, my friends.




One comment

  1. Shouldn’t be spent on getting wrapped up in sin**
    Well written post. I know how hard it was for you to write this,but it’s something you have accomplished. You overcame your struggle. I remember that day clearly, I am thankful that I helped you see the light. I guess loosing me the second time wasn’t going to happen! You are doing wonderful and doing a wonderful thing by sharing your story. Like you said everyone deals with sin. Sin is Sin, none is greater than the other.. it’s all bad. I love you my stud muffin!

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